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Dear IRS.....
Dear IRS:

I would like to explain the discrepencies in my recently filed tax returns for the year 2004. According to your recent audit, you apparently believe that I understated my income for the past year by $100,000. I can understand why you might think that I was deliberately misleading you, and in fact, it's not hard to see how you might even come to the conclusion that I am attempting to defraud my country.

However, nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is (or, as we like to say on my tax-deductible website, "the faulking truth is"), I applied the same accounting principles that have been adopted by the US Congressional Budget Office to estimate our federal budget. (See article below.) It appears to me that since this method of accounting is accurate enough to estimate our entire country's budget, then it is accurate enough to estimate my personal income as well. I am a patriotic American and a loyal supporter of our President, George W. Bush, and if it's good enough him, then by God, it's good enough for me.

In closing, if there any questions about how I arrived at my income estimates for 2004, please forward them to the Congressional Budget Office with a note explaining that I used the "technical quirk" method of accounting to arrive at my total income figures. I'm certain that they will help clear up any misunderstanding that you might still have.

God Bless America, and God Bless George W. Bush.

Your loyal servant,
Mark Faulk

P.S. Since I seem to be experiencing an unusually large deficit in my spending this year, and in fact have already made out my budget for the next four years, which will also incur serious deficits, I will not be able to pay my income tax for the aforementioned time period. However, I am investing a very large part of my income in the stock market, so I should be able to pay all my taxes at some unspecified date in the future, and retire comfortably as well. Thank you for your patience.

Budget Office Sees Deficit at $368 Billion
Short-Term Numbers Worse Than Expected

Jan. 25, 2005

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. budget deficit will reach $368 billion this year before any war costs are added in, the Congressional Budget Office said on Tuesday, according to a source familiar with the worse-than-expected numbers.

The previous CBO forecast called for a $348 billion shortfall for the 2005 fiscal year that began on Oct. 1.

Due to a technical quirk, the latest number does not include billions of dollars needed to fund military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, and analysts said these must be added in to get a true picture of the red ink.

The previous forecast assumed $115 billion of war costs.

"As a result of this technicality, we think it would be prudent to add roughly $100 billion to the CBO's fiscal year 2005 budget deficit estimate," Lehman Brothers said in a research note.

The White House is shortly expected to ask for about $80 billion to pay for war costs.
Tuesday , January 25, 2005  22:15

What Democracy Means to Me
"What Democracy Means to Me"
by Johnny Carson
The Tonight Show
11 September, 1991

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship ó 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto ó usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.
Wednesday , February 2, 2005  18:36

Home on the Range
It's Friday, November November 26, 2004, THE DAY AFTER.....Thanksgiving, that is. Eschewing the usual shopping hell that we have been programmed to subject ourselves to, we (my family and in-laws) instead went to Bricktown in downtown Oklahoma City for an afternoon of mindless escapism. Had we not had visitors from beyond (that would be from beyond the Oklahoma state line, not intergallactic visitors, at least not to my limited human knowledge), I would have, in keeping with our new Homeland Security guidelines, duct-taped myself to the couch to avert any potential leftover turkey-related terrorist attacks. Instead, I (shudder) actually ventured into the (shudder again) REAL WORLD.

First stop: Bass Pro Shops, or, as I prefer to call it, "My Store". That's right, I helped to pay for the dozens of stuffed dead animals that peer menacingly from their perches high above the aisle upon aisle of Tracker boats, too-cheap-to-be-made-by-Americans coats and gloves (outsourcing, anyone?), and fake trout streams flowing through the store with my tax dollars. Sure, we COULD have spent that money educating our children, housing our homeless, shoeing our shoeless, or feeding our foodless, but where else can you see a dead stuffed Javelina and buy a Jack Nicklaus driver for under $60 in the same setting? Hey, who needs nature when you can kill it and reproduce it on aisle five? God, I love this country!

Incidently, a javelina, or, "wild collared peccary", is a pig-like animal (as opposed to an actual pig) having a yellowish band which runs under the neck (hence the name "collared peccary"). On the back there is a glandular area which secretes a musky, oily substance, while on the face there are preorbital glands. The ears are small and round, and the eyes are beady. The barrel-like body is supported by short legs. The head is pointed, and the nose has a disc of round cartilage at the tip. The tail is vestigial. It travels in groups of around 20, with no new members ever being accepted, even though one in every ten offspring born is rejected from the group (that would be the gay offspring). Herds have a characteristic linear dominance hierarchy, wherein a male is always dominant.

Pig-like, yellow band around the neck, beady eyes, barrel-like body, travels in small packs, secretes oily substances, hates outsiders, rejects offspring who don't fit in, dominant males - Why did I just get a visual of the Bush Administration while writing this? Must be a coincidence, or a subliminable image. Anyway, they are found in Texas (there's that Bush visual again), Arizona, throughout Mexico and South America, and in the entries of Bass Pro Shops. See how educational this is? Maybe our children is learning after all. Who said our tax dollars are wasted?

To be honest, I only spent about five minutes in My Store before my vegan daughter began to be traumatized by the grizzlies, javelinas, and other "wildlife" whose troubled spirits called out to her from their mini-fake environments. Instead, we took a walk down the artificial river (commonly known as the "Bricktown Canal") and looked at the statues of the buffalo that our ancestors killed when they "tamed" the Midwest. I repeat....God, I love this country!

Then, it was on to the movie theater to watch "The Incredibles". Never mind that this is a cartoon movie, and that the youngest one in our group was fifteen, it was somehow determined that this was the movie most appropriate for everyone in our party.....don't even ask. But, I must admit that it was fairly entertaining in a mind-numbing total escapist sort of way, and I for one found the character of "Elastigirl" strangely erotic. (C'mon, admit it....every guy who watched this movie had at least one impure thought pass through their deviant minds about a girl who is "incredibly flexible".) Okay, enough said about THAT subject....supply your own visual.

And finally, we finished the evening by overeating once again....'tis the season, you know.... this time at Zio's Restaurant, where all the dead animals are kept in the kitchen in a walk-in freezer, out of view of the customers until they can be prepared and presented on a bed of tasty pasta.....yum, I say, yum! I had the Salmon, just because I didn't want to get struck down by God for the "abomination of eating pork". I'm already skating on thin Heavenly ice here, I need all the help I can get - just ask any Republican.

And that was pretty much it.....stuffed wild animals in a store that sells everything you need to kill more wild animals, statues of other wild animals that used to roam freely throughout our state (before it became a state and we killed them all and built a statue of one where they used to "roam"), and a tasty meal picked from a menu chock full of deliciously prepared dead animals. Somehow, I felt a certain kinship with the Indians who hunted and lived off of this very land centuries ago, before we murdered most of them, took all their land, and made it up to them by letting them build casinos and sell tax-free cigarettes.

For the third and final time, can I get a heartfelt "God, I love this country!" More Fried Buffalo, anyone?

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day

Home, home on the range
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day......
Saturday , November 27, 2004  17:53

Free Kittens
Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens," Lil Suzy says.

"They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet." "What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Republicans," says Lil Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, President George Bush called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, George Bush got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.

"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all Democrat kittens."

Taken by surprise, President Bush said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were Republicans."

Lil Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

(Editor's note: That one was sent to me by Davee Lou, one of the many people who send me articles and keep me informed. Good stuff.)
Tuesday , December 7, 2004  03:02

Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election
In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified what she called "The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News", after observing the coping process of hundreds of patients whose diagnosis was terminal. Throughout the years, these stages were gradually expanded by healthcare professionals and counselors to include dealing with the loss of a relationship or any other profoundly negative event, and became commonly known as "The 5 Stages of Grief".
With the emotional roller coaster that 49% of America has been on lately, I thought if might be helpful to review these stages so that we could better understand our seemingly erratic behavior of the past few weeks.
Okay, I'm certain that there are a lot of you out there who thought to yourselves, "My behavior has not been erratic!" I'm seen your letters, I've read your emails, and I've spoken with a few of you in person. Trust me, your behavior HAS been erratic. You people are all over the map emotionally, and denying it only means that you are still mired in the first phase, which is called, appropriately enough:

DENIAL: This didn't happen! I like to call this the "It's all a dream" phase, or the "if I ignore it, then maybe it will go away" phase. What the!?!?!? How can Kerry concede the election? HE DIDN'T LOSE, DAMMIT! I demand a recount, because...well, HE COULDN'T HAVE LOST. Okay, let's be honest here. I've been around a bit longer than a few of you, I was around in the sixties. Hell, I'm still in denial about Bobby Kennedy's assassination. And guess what? My twenty-six (and counting) years of pretending it didn't happen hasn't changed a damn thing.....not yet anyway. Wait a second, it's been thirty-six years since he was killed. I can't be that old. This isn't happening!

ANGER: Those sons-of-bitches screwed us! They cheated, they stole the election. Over a hundred million votes cast, and the election was rigged by some geeky pimple-faced kid with a pocket protector sitting at a computer. It's been over a month since the election, and there are still a lot of you stuck in this phase. Unfortunately, since there's honestly not a damn thing we can do to fix anything (at least not by ourselves), a lot of us are taking it out on those we love. I feel fortunate that I have risen above that urge, kept complete control of my emotions, and.....if that damn cat meows one more time I'm going to kick it! Sorry, what was I saying?

BARGAINING: Or the "Monty, let's make a deal" phase. Ummm, I don't know anyone who's in this phase, because who the hell wants to make a deal with the Devil....I mean, Bush? Next phase, please!

DEPRESSION: Next, we come to America's number one pastime, and it ain't baseball. That's right, I'm talking about depression. This sucks, sorry, I mean THIS SUCKS! I'd move to Canada if it wasn't for Celine Dion. And who the hell wants to listen to that annoying accent all the faulking time? Plus, even when they speak English, you can't understand a thing they're saying. "Spot me a fin for some homo milk and KD, eh? I had to deke, and now I'm getting pogey." As far as I can tell, that means "Loan me five dollars for some whole milk and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I had to sneak over the border and now I'm on welfare."

I even heard that Michael Moore has holed up in his mansion and gone on a major Twinkie eating rampage and gained another hundred pounds. C'mon, give me a faulking break! "Woe is me, I made millions bashing Bush, and now he's going to give me a huge tax break, because I'm one of the richest people in America. Life is soooooo unfair!" Faulk to Moore: GET OVER IT, RICHIE RICH! The rest of us earn less in a year than you make in a faulking day, and we're paying all the taxes! NOW THAT'S DEPRESSING!

ACCEPTANCE: This is the time to finally accept our fate...that's right, BUSH WON, and the only cabinet member who hasn't resigned is...OH, MY GOD....Rumsfeld! Get used to it. Look on the bright side of things for once in your pitiful lives. Sure, the economy will be in the crapper for four more years (but Michael Moore will be just fine, thank you very much), we'll have five or six more wars (but so many young Americans will get to "see the world"), global warming will melt the polar ice caps (but we'll have some great tans), and democracy as we know it will be over (but at least the homos won't be getting married any time soon, and I'm not talking about whole milk here). See? There's a positive side to any situation.

Oh, what the faulk, screw acceptance! What was phase one again? Oh yeah, THIS DIDN"T HAPPEN! And, I can hardly wait until Bobby Kennedy gets elected. THEN things are going to be different around here. There, I feel better already. And if this feeling wears off, I can always kick the cat again.

(Editor's note: The Faulking Truth would like to make it perfectly clear that this is purely a satirical piece, and no cats were actually kicked or harmed in any way in the making of this article, nor do we advocate the kicking of cats. However, those annoying little yippy dogs that keep you awake all night barking....that's another issue altogether.)
Wednesday , December 8, 2004  03:25

These are the words that appeared in the pages of John Winston Lennon's FBI file, in underlined, hand-written block letters. He was loved by millions of fans, feared by a few in positions of authority, and killed by one deranged fan, 24 years ago today. The world is a bit colder without him, and we are all poorer. God bless you, John, we miss you.

"We're all Christ and we're all Hitler. We are trying to make Christ's message contemporary. We want Christ to win. What would he have done if he had advertisements, T.V., records, films and newspapers? The miracle today is communication. So let's use it." - John Lennon, 1969

Words of Wisdom from John Lennon:

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?

I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong.

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.

Love is the flower you've got to let grow.

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

Possession isn't nine-tenths of the law. It's nine-tenths of the problem.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Everything is clearer when you're in love.

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

Working Class Hero
by John Lennon

As soon as you're born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can't really function you're so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you're so clever and class less and free
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There's room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

Was John Lennon really killed by an obsessed fan? The recent release of his FBI files, as presented in two new books on the subject, one by Salvador Astusia, entitled "Rethinking John Lennon's Assassination: The FBI's War on Rock Stars", and the other, entitled "Gimme Some Truth: The John Lennon FBI Files" by Jon Wiener, are questioning that assumption. Here are couple of links on the subject:


"Listen, if anything happens to Yoko and me, it was not an accident." - John Lennon, 1972
Wednesday , December 8, 2004††11:30

Peace Kills
The world has officially gone mad. Like the Sioux Indian "Contraire" in the Dustin Hoffman movie "Little Big Man", the Bush Administration has become a world of opposites. The Contraire does and says exactly the opposite of what he means. He bathes with dirt and dries off with water, he says hello when he means goodbye, he calls his worst enemy his "best friend", he comes when he should be going and goes when he should be coming, he....well, you get the idea.

Today, Bush gave a little speech to to help those who lost loved ones in the missile attack on a mess tent that killed 20 American soldiers and wounded 66 people in Iraq. The good news? They weren't killed in a war, they were killed on a "vital mission for peace". That's right, America, peace kills. Said Bush, "We send our heartfelt condolences to the ones who suffer today. Just want them to know that the mission is a vital mission for peace."

Hell, the least our "Wartime President" could do is speak in complete sentences. Don't those who risk their lives every day and the families who spend countless nights lying awake wondering if they will ever see their sons or daughters, fathers, mothers, brothers, or sisters again deserve just a little more respect than that? Rubber stamp the letters, don't waste any words, and throw a little scrap metal on those Humvees. Who cares about the soldiers, we've got a war to run. They put their lives on the line to fight another war (that's beginning to look a lot more like that "other war" every day) where they're told that the mission is vital, even though the stated mission has changed time and again.

"Just want them to know..."? Guess what, Mr. President? Just want you to know that you're not fooling anyone. This is a mission for oil, not peace. "I'm confident democracy will prevail in Iraq."? When did this become a war for democracy in Iraq? What happened to WMDs? What happened to the "War on Terror"? In his "message of hope", Bush mentioned peace twice, and democracy twice, but never once acknowledged or mentioned that a war even exists in Iraq. This is a war, not a "mission for peace". War kills, peace doesn't. It's as simple as that.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan picked up on the theme of the day, which was "War is Peace", when he said that there is "security and peace" in 15 of Iraq's 18 provinces. The war ended two years ago, which means that it didn't end. How do we know that? The President told us. "Mission accomplished", the banner screamed, which, of course, means "Mission not accomplished".

So, the next time you hear our President speak, just think of the Contraire. When he tells you about the "Blue Skies" act, promotes "No Child Left Behind", talks about "saving Social Security", reassures you that the economy is getting stronger, advocates bringing in prescription drugs from other countries, talks about giving our soldiers everything they need to win the war (sorry, I mean "win the peace"), or worse yet, reminds the families of the dead in Iraq that their loved ones were killed in a "mission for peace", you'll know exactly what he means. After all, he's our best friend. Hello.

To see how little money we're not spending on the peace in Iraq, don't go here:
Wednesday , December 22, 2004  02:43

The Giving Tree
By Shel Silverstein
Once there was a giving tree who loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come to play
Swinging from the branches, sleeping in the shade
Laughing all the summerís hours away.
And so they loved,
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.

But soon the boy grew older and one day he came and said,
"Can you give me some money, tree, to buy something Iíve found?"
"I have no money," said the tree, "Just apples, twigs and leaves."
"But you can take my apples, boy, and sell them in the town."
And so he did and
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.

But soon again the boy came back and he said to the tree,
"Iím now a man and I must have a house thatís all my home."
"I canít give you a house" he said, "The forest is my house."
"But you may cut my branches off and build yourself a home"
And so he did.
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.

And time went by and the boy came back with sadness in his eyes.
"My life has turned so cold," he says, "and I need sunny days."
"Iíve nothing but my trunk," he says, "But you can cut it down
And build yourself a boat and sail away."
And so he did and
Oh, the tree was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad.

And after years the boy came back, both of them were old.
"I really cannot help you if you ask for another gift."
"Iím nothing but an old stump now. Iím sorry but Iíve nothing more to give"
"I do not need very much now, just a quiet place to rest,"
The boy, he whispered, with a weary smile.
"Well", said the tree, "An old stump is still good for that."
"Come, boy", he said, "Sit down, sit down and rest a while."
And so he did and
Oh, the trees was happy.
Oh, the tree was glad

Merry ChristmaHannaKwanzaKuh from The Faulking Truth

Friday , December 24, 2004  18:52

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