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Internet Drive-bys - Apr 13, 2004 - Printable Version
- Confessions of A Chicken Sexaholic: A Cautionary Tale of Breasts and Thighs
by Russell Tharp
Editor's note: In our inaugural issue, Russell Tharp wrote what was to be the first in a series of articles entitled "Internet Drive-bys", in which he would conduct random internet searches using bizarre phrases, and write articles about the matches that came up. Now, two weeks later, he is in rehab, struggling to return to a life of normalcy. As we always do in these types of tragic situations, I can't help but think that maybe I missed the signs that could have averted this tragedy, signs that appeared innocent at the time, but seem so obvious after the fact. When Russell first approached me with the idea for "Internet Drive-bys", I thought it had the potential to be humorous, albeit a bit twisted. But when I asked him if he had any ideas for the first search, he replied without hesitation, "sex with chickens". I laughed, it was just the type of demented subject matter that the internet has become known for. Little did I know it would be his last Google search. This is his sad story. My name is Russell Tharp, and I'm a chicken sexaholic. Luckily, I never consummated my obsession, and I thank my lucky stars for that every day. At least I have a shred of dignity left. In all honesty, I first looked up chickens on the internet as a lark, and was content to look at pictures of the various breeds. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop there. I soon found myself entering the seedy underbelly of the fowl cyberworld, and began to frequent sites that I can't even mention here. I tried other animals in an attempt to wean myself from the habit- ducks, geese, even platypuses, but somehow, it just wasn't the same. I always ended up back on the same demented chicken websites, usually with a bucket of KFC extra crispy in my lap. Breasts and thighs were my favorite, and I couldn't live without them.
Truthfully, I realize that I'm not alone, that there are millions of other lost souls out there wasting their lives away spending hundreds of hours a month on the internet, addicted to one thing or another. If it's not chickens, then it's Paris Hilton, or Jennifer Lopez, or maybe Janet Jackson. It doesn't matter, in the end, it's all breasts and thighs anyway. Maybe you're one of the millions, lost in a lonely cyberworld hell of your own making. Or maybe not.
After almost six months of nothing but chicken websites, I tried another approach. I heard about this new website that a guy I'd met in a chicken chatroom was starting. His name was Mark, and he told me the site was going to be called faulkingtruth.com. He claimed that the reason he was in the chicken chatroom was to do research for an article, but I had my doubts. I mean, no one just accidently stumbles upon hotchickenchat.com, and he was a full-feathered member, so it obviously wasn't his first time. Of course, what he does in his spare time is his business. I have my own problems to deal with.
Anyway, he offered to let me write a column for his website, and I came up with "Internet Drive-bys", and of course, my first search had to be "sex with chickens". It was a textbook cry for help, but Mark was so clueless that he didn't even get the hint. In fact, he laughed at me. Laughed! I was so depressed, I considered killing myself, then I thought about killing him, then I ordered a 15 piece family pack bucket of extra spicy chicken instead. I think I made the right decision. I ate the entire bucket in one sitting. It was tasty.
I finally decided to seek professional help after I wrote my first column for faulkingtruth.com. I spent hours doing "research", but in reality, it was just another excuse to explore the dark side of chickens. I felt like I deserved to be tarred and feathered, but even that thought excited me. I was truly sick.
Finally, I stumbled on the one website that saved my life. It was a selfhelp group called CSA, Chicken Sex Anonymous. Based on many of the other twelve step programs, I decided to give it a try. I'm now in my second week of rehab, and for the first time in months, I'm completely chicken-free. The facility is out in the country, and it's beautiful and quiet. The only really tough moments are early in the mornings, when I'm awakened by the distant crow of a rooster on a neighboring farm.
Well, it's time for my afternoon meeting. I hope my tale in some way reaches someone else out there who has a similar problem. With help, we can all overcome our fears, fetishes, compulsions, and obsessions. Until next time:
My name is Russell Tharp, and I'm a chicken sexaholic.
Another Editor's note: We had an alternate ending to this story, in which Russell died of the Chicken Flu Virus, but we just didn't have the heart to kill the poor guy. He's been through enough already, and the fact that he's a total loser and has to live with that for the rest of his pathetic life is punishment enough, in my opinion. Of course, now I that just read what he is saying about me, I might have to reconsider my decision. And one more thing: to the best of my recollection, I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of hotchickenchat.com.
One last Editor's note: This article does not mean to imply that KFC chicken in any way contributes to chicken sexaholism. There is no clear scientific evidence to support that theory. In fact, national taste tests only confirm that KFC chicken is, indeed, tasty. Especially the breasts.
Read more articles by Russell Tharp in our archives:
http://www.faulkingtruth.com/Archives.cgi
Voice your opinion on our message board (you don't have to sign up to post).
| Internet Drive-bys Archives: Love on the Farm (Russell Tharp, Mar 19, 2004) Confessions of A Chicken Sexaholic: A Cautionary Tale of Breasts and Thighs (Russell Tharp, Apr 13, 2004) |