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Global Warning - Sep 20, 2008 - Printable Version
- In The News Tonight...
by Robin Buckallew
Today, the court has handed down its decision in the landmark case of Need v. Greed. In this unprecedented defamation suit, Need has accused Greed of forging her name and misusing her identity in pursuit of his own interests. Lawyers for the plaintiff started off strong, with volumes of documentation supporting their case, where the name of Need had been invoked with increasing frequency and increasing triviality over the past three decades, often in what appeared to be blatant misrepresentations of her character. Witnesses for the plaintiff numbered in the hundreds of thousands, and the supporting documents reportedly took no less than four warehouses for storage. Need herself made a compelling witness as she took the stand, nearly breaking down in her emotion at the harm that had been done to her reputation as a result of the alleged exploitation by the defendant. At the end of her often heartrending testimony, which became almost gruesome at times as she described her true nature, there was hardly a dry eye in the house. When the time came for the defense to put on its case, only one witness was called – the defendant himself. By now, most of the onlookers were waiting with bated breath, convinced that the case was lost. Greed took the stand, swore his oath, and then, in a historic moment for the court, stated simply, “Hey, we’ve all had fun, haven’t we? We’ve made some money, haven’t we? Nobody’s really gotten hurt, right?” Then, the defense rested. The unanimous decision was hardly a surprise to anyone. A united court stood proudly before the public and announced that it had decided in favor of the defense. The basis for the decision was brief, but eloquent. “Hey, we’ve all had fun, haven’t we? We’ve made some money, haven’t we? Nobody’s really gotten hurt, right?” The court dismissed all the evidence of the plaintiff documenting poverty and misery worldwide as mere hyperbolic window dressing, and stated that it was totally hearsay, anyway. While the witnesses and the documents seemed substantial, in the long run, they didn’t feel they carried enough weight to find that Greed had done anything wrong. Need, they felt, had failed to prove her case that there was any permanent damage to her character, and had not demonstrated convincingly that the trivial ways in which her name was used had actually led to any diminishment of her basic nature. In fact, the justices ruled, Need had actually benefited from the myriad circumstances in which Greed had appropriated her name, as the pursuit of money and pleasure was able to bring her much more press than she had ever been able to get in her own right. Further, they ruled, any future use of the name of Need by Greed would be protected by this court.
This reporter was unable to get a statement from Need, who departed the courthouse hastily, surrounded by her crack legal team who had just been delivered their first loss in a major case. Greed, however, was available for comment. At an overflowing press conference immediately following the decision, Greed said that the decision was clearly the correct one. Need had just been put out of joint because she felt that it was more important to bring attention to the true misery in the world than to make money and work for one’s own personal comfort. Obviously, Greed said with a wave of his hand, the bulk of this country did not agree. The millions of letters of support he had received from his fans throughout the progression of the trial were a clear indication of the level of support he enjoyed, and he knew that there were literally hundreds of thousands of victory parties planned all over the country to celebrate the victory. As a result of this historical decision, Greed continued to be able to invoke Need as his reason for action. The triviality of the issue would not have to stand in his way, as he had been handed carte blanche by the court, and by the public who turned out in his support in such numbers, to continue in the pursuit of money and luxury in the name of Need. Following the press conference, Greed threw the biggest victory party ever seen in this town. The theme of the party was “I, Need”.
In a closely related story, there was a tragedy this afternoon as Need, disconsolate from her recent devastating loss, threw herself off the Sears tower, falling to her death in a dramatic finish to the century’s biggest lawsuit. Although some observers reported seeing a shadowy figure struggling with her and pushing her over the edge, the police have officially declared the case a suicide. Services for Need will be held at Potter’s field next Wednesday, should anyone wish to come as a mourner. It has been reported that Greed will take over all of Need’s massive holdings, and will continue managing them much as he has been managing them over the past few decades.
In a related news story, tragedy struck today as a nationwide outage in cell phone service caused all users to be without cell phone connections for a full five minutes during peak usage time. Power was restored quickly, but too late for some. Teenagers all over the country perished painfully, unable to live without their cell phones. Parents have been frantically dialing their children’s cell phones, in hopes that their teenagers weren’t among the casualties. Emergency medical teams have been deployed to the malls, schools, and movie theaters, hoping to find some still alive among the carnage. Nationwide funeral services will be held to mourn the departing of Generation Ringtone.
In late breaking news today, George W. Bush XII (henceforth known as “Dubya ExToo”) stepped up to the podium at his crowning ceremony, where he was being greeted by the rousing applause of the 3 remaining members of the world community who can still stand the Bush dynasty. After 200 years of misunderestimation and overunderappreciation of the good done by his great-great-great-great…oh, what the hell, let’s just get on with the news story. Everybody knows Dubya (henceforth known as “43”) wasn’t all that great. Although denying any malfeasance on the part of his forebears, Dubya ExToo has decided that it is time for the Monarchy of the United States of Wal-Mart to issue an apology to the polar bear for doubting global warming for so long that it was no longer possible to save the polar ice caps. The news sent shock waves through the environmental community, still locked up in the Tower of Crawford where they were placed 30 years ago by Dubya ExOne for refusing to act as mourners at the funeral of Dubya OneEx, in protest of the planned filling in and paving of the Grand Canyon to build DisneyWorld Southwest.
Following the apology, which was widely believed to be a matter of little consequence to the long extinct polar bear, Dubya ExToo and the Extettes decided to take in a little culture, and were last seen laughing uproariously at re-runs of 23rd Century Idol.
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