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Faulking Around - Aug 2, 2006 - Printable Version
- Which one are you?
by Mark Faulk
Sometimes I can't stand the side of myself that feels too much. Sometimes I wish was one of those people who can just live life sitting on the shore, or walk on the beach and let the sand wash between their toes, and never wonder what exists “out there.” Sometimes I wish I could go out my front yard and look up at the stars and NOT daydream about how it would feel to jump in a rocket ship and fly towards one of those stars, and not the closest one either, the one way in the distance, the one that’s barely even discernible to the naked eye. I want to walk along the beach or swim in the ocean without wondering what would happen if I just kept swimming until the shore was nothing more than a hazy line disappearing over the horizon, and from my memory. Sometimes…
“All life we work but work is a bore, if life’s for living…then what’s living for?”
*sigh*
So which person are you?
When you feel pain, not physical pain, because that would be too predictable, but that elusive emotional pain that has no basis in physicality, no way to be measured by the intensity of the burn, or by the severity of the cut…when you feel pain, do you only feel it “so deep,” and then instinctively draw a line in the sands of your psyche, and not allow the pain to penetrate that place inside of you that is "the center" of your being? Or do you wallow in your pain, revel in it, until it almost…but not quite…kills you? And I'm not sure that I’m speaking metaphorically here, I’ve never quite convinced myself that I’m not really on the edge of death, one heartbeat, or rather, one heartache, away from just cashing it in. Sometimes I think that some, not all, but some, of the people who die of heart attacks really die of a broken heart, of simply feeling too much.
When you cry at a sad movie, or when someone you love is lost, do the tears come from your tear ducts, or can you feel it all the way into your heart, your inner soul?
Which one are you?
Does it hurt, or does it HURT?
And when you fall in love, do you bare your soul to the one you’re in love with, do you give of yourself fully, oblivious to the consequences and possibility of a broken heart, of the possibility of a “heart attack.” Or do you hold back forever, just in case, so that (God forbid) if it doesn’t work out, at least you haven’t invested everything it, at least you haven’t put all your emotional eggs in one metaphorical basket.
Which one are you?
Do you fall in love, or do you FALL IN LLLLLOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE?
Some people, when they read about the urge to swim out into the ocean, will automatically think “well, that’s crazy, you’d drown if you did that.” And if you stood outside late at night with that same person, and pointed to the furthest star in the galaxy, and confessed your secret desires to fly to that star, that person would look at you quizzically and say, “um, excuse me, it’s a star, a massive superheated collection of burning gases, you’d burst into flames long before you got close enough to even touch the flames.”
Which one are you?
Would you be willing to risk the probability of certain death just to disappear over the horizon, or just to touch, if even for a moment, the fiery flames of the distant star? Or are you content to just sink in the sand, slowly and safely, but still…sinking nonetheless? Are you happy just to see the galaxy at night, safe and secure in your own front yard, never venturing beyond your own comfortable neighborhood, your own little planet?
Which one are you?
You don’t have a choice in the matter, you either are or you aren’t. You can’t suddenly decide to FEEL instead of just feel, you either do or you don’t. Either way, you’re lucky in some respects, and cursed in others. Fighting it doesn’t do any good, although accepting it isn’t always an option either.
You either dance, or you sit in the audience and watch. You don’t have to be a good dancer, you just have to dance with all your heart, you just have to dance, dammit!
Which one are you?
I know which one I am, now I’m just trying to learn to accept myself for what I am, what I’ve always been, what I’ll forever be.
May I have this dance?
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