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Faulking Around - May 13, 2005 - Printable Version
- An Editor's Confession: Ken, I love you
by Mark Faulk
That's right, Faulkers, I'm in love with one of the writers from The Faulking Truth, and that's not the worst of it. It's a guy, a fellow fellow, and I'm not even gay (at least not to my conscience knowledge. As for my subconscious sexual preferences, well, let's not go there. In fact, I don't go there, never have. Don't want to know about it. Better left untouched. Uncharted territory. Virgin......well, you get my point. But wait, there's more! (admit it, you read that sentence like one of those guys on the Home Shopping Network, didn't you?) The Faulking Truth writer/guy that I'm in love with is not just any guy.......he's my cousin. You heard me, I'm in love with my male cousin. I guess it could be worse....at least he's of "legal" age (and then some, and I do mean THEN SOME).
Before you pick up the phone and call 1-800-PERVERT and turn me in, let me explain. I'm in love with my cousin because he's a total deviant, and I love that about him. There, doesn't that make you feel better? I'm so glad we cleared that up.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should clarify that last statement as well. You see, I've spent most of my life thinking thoughts that would make most "normal" humans blush.....or cringe.....or groan.....or at the very least, shake their head in disgust. But next to Ken Shade, God bless him, I feel downright prudish. Chaste. Virtuous. Wholesome. Virgin.....and again, you get my point. Here's why: Whenever I think of something sick, perverted, or disgusting, he says something worse. Out loud. When it comes to grading perversion on a curve, he's the guy who makes us all look good.
Granted, I've said some pretty outrageous things on these cyberpages (at least, that's what people tell me, I, like Ken, seem to have been born without a "political correctness barometer". I think it, I say it, and then other people's reactions let me know whether I've "gone too far", which is most of the time. But, as I said, Ken makes me look like Mother Teresa in comparison.
A case in point: there are 36 references to "the penis" in his most recent article, a little piece of eroticism called "Texas to the Rescue!" You heard me, not just 36 references to the penis in any old article, but 36 references to the penis in an article with the word "Texas" in the title. Granted, he doesn't use the actual word 36 times, but that just shows his....uh...."creative genius". Among the words he uses to represent the male sex organ: tool, pee-pee, schlongitude, trouser snake, phalli, skin-flute, prick, pocket pistol, man-meat, love lizard, boner, and of course, the ever popular "pecker". And since the article's actually about cheerleaders, we won't even get into how many times he discusses girls' panties. I can hardly wait to see the Google hits on that article. We still get about 50 hits a month from people (and I'm using the term "people" loosely here) who Googled "sex with chickens", and came up with Russell Tharp's "Love on the Farm" article. Poor suckers, and all they were loking for was....well, I don't know what the hell they were looking for. Serves 'em right.
To his credit, he might be the first person to use the phrase "sociopolitical penis" (I'd trademark that one if I were you, Ken). And "legislative love lizard" isn't too shabby, either. I told you the guy is a genius. A sick, demented genius. And as long as he's around (and for my sake, I hope he's around a long, long, time), I'll never be in danger of being branded the "Family Pervert".
And for that, I have to say it one more time....Ken, I love you. And that's the Faulking Penis.....I mean "Truth".
(Editor's note: In honor of my undying love for my sicko cousin, I'm featuring several of his articles in the "Editor's Picks" section at the bottom of the website. Enjoy, you disgusting freaks.)
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