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Faulking Around - Apr 20, 2005 - Printable Version
- Yesterday I was making fun of Republicans....now I are one
by Mark Faulk
It's finally happened. After 40 (and some odd, in fact, some really odd) years of leaning so far to the left that one leg literally grew longer than the other, I just found out that I'm actually a Republican. And not just a Republican, but an ultra-conservative, faaaaaaaarrrrrrrr-right Neocon. The political pendulum has officially swung back in the other direction, and it hit me squarely in the forehead. It started innocently enough....I turned on "talk radio", that right-wing beacon of crap....I mean "truth". I listen to Conservative talk radio a lot more than is probably healthy, but I can't help but feel that unless I sneak into the lair of the Beast, I won't truly understand what it is I'm fighting for (or against, as the case may be). Michael Savage, Tammy Bruce, Neal Boortz, Michael Medved, Rush Limbaugh, and on and on....they are the enemy, easily defined - hateful, vitriol, extreme, narrowminded, and above all, judgmental. I can listen to any of those socalled "radio personalities" and easily work myself into a frenzy, swearing at the radio, scribbling notes of rebuttal on the backs of receipts and anything else I can find, and generally feeling vindicated about every social and political position I've ever embraced. I'm right, they're wrong. The end.
But then, a few weeks ago, something happened that made me question my entire value system, something so scary that I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I really am a closet Republican. I was listening to "unfair and unbalanced" Bill O'Reilly, and the topic turned to underage drinking. It seems a couple in West Warwick, Rhode island, had allowed their underage son and 35 or so of his "closest friends" to throw a prom night drinking party in their backyard, complete with kegs and lots of fun beer guzzling games. Some of the kids performed "keg stands," variations on handstands that involve holding beer guzzlers upside-down by their feet, so they can suck beer directly from keg taps. Who said teenagers today aren't athletic enough? After the party got a little out of hand (at 4:30ish in the morning), the police showed up and investigated, and a few days later, arrested the father, Gregg Anderson, for providing liquor to minors. Among the partyers were at least a dozen under the age of 18, and one totally wasted 16 year old girl.
Now, I have to be honest here (minus the gory details, of course). There was at least once or twice (Or was it three times? Who's counting, anyway?), when as a teenager, I might have done something stupid, but here's the crazy part.....I don't care, I still wouldn't let my 16 year old daughter or son get drunk, anywhere, any time, under any type of supervision, adult or otherwise. If they want to know why it was okay for me to do it as a teenager, but not for them, the answer is simple....IT WASN'T OKAY FOR ME TO DO IT THEN, AND IT'S NOT OKAY FOR THEM TO DO IT NOW. I was an idiot, and my job as a parent is to do my best to keep my children from making the same stupid mistakes I made when I was young. It's that simple.
And that's where it gets ugly. Here I am, listening to Mr. Bill O'Reilly, and without even knowing it, I'm nodding my head in agreement as he says that the parents had no right to let other people's kids get drunk in their house, especially without THEIR parents permission. Mmmhmm, with you so far, Mr. Bill. And then, he said something that sent me scurrying to the right of even that bastion of conservative crap. He suggested, no, he recommended, that every parent should sit their sixteen year old son or daughter down at the dinner table and "initiate" them into the ways of the world with a few glasses of wine. Oh, no Mr. Bill! SIXTEEN YEAR OLD TEENAGER! What the faulk!?!?! I don't think so. Homey don't play that.
And that was that. I had found an issue that I am more conservative that Bill O'Rightly on. That's it, I'm changing my political party affiliation from "Registered Radical" to "Neophyte Neocon". As if that wasn't enough, when this article was posted, the Google ads that popped up were for "Free to join. 1000's of pictures of Beautiful Republican Singles", an ad for gopclothes.com, and a summary of Ann Coulter's book "How to Talk to A Liberal". See, even the Google drones know I've turned into a Republican. Now if I can just learn to wage wars, destroy our planet, rape and pillage our citizens, and rob our elderly and our poor with a clear conscience, then Mr. Bill and I can start hanging out at the country club together and get our children drunk. Naw, not gonna happen, because I'm just too traditional for Mr. Bill. Unlike SOME people, I'VE got family values, and they don't include getting wasted with my teenage kids.
So, if your child wants to know why it was okay for you to "experiment" with drugs and/or alcohol when you were young, but it's not okay for them to do it now...tell them this, "I was an idiot when I did it then, and if you do it now, you're an idiot too." And if they say that Bill O'Reilly said it was okay to "have a little wine at dinner" when you're sixteen, tell them that Bill O'Reilly is an even bigger idiot. Tell them this: "Bill O'Reilly is a total moron, and if you start drinking at the age of sixteen, you could end up just like him". If that doesn't scare your kids into sobriety, nothing will. And that, my fellow conservative parents, is the faulking truth.
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