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Commentary - Dec 26, 2004 - Printable Version
- Lost at Sea....Talking to God (Again)
by Mark Faulk
(Editor's note: This is a followup to "Talking To God", which appeared on the pages of The Faulking Truth on July 6, 2004. That article can be found at www.faulkingtruth.com/Articles/CommentaryToo/1003.html ) It's Sunday, December 26, in the Year of Our Lord 2004....
"I've been adrift for six months now, and it's been three weeks since I last spotted dry land. Yesterday, despite my efforts to conserve every ounce of energy, my cell phone battery died, and with it my last connection to civilization. Do cell phone batteries even have ounces? It's a question that has haunted me for days, and one that I'm still contemplating as I perform a "burial at sea" for my phone, building a small ceremonial boat out of a cardboard box, setting it ablaze with my Zippo, and launching it into the darkness....."
Russell stopped writing in his journal, and his mind drifted back to the last time he saw "her". They decided to go their separate ways, or more specifically, he decided to go his separate way. Leaving was his decision, or at least that's what he kept telling himself. She kept her feet planted firmly on the shore, and he....well, he had spent every spare minute of the past twenty years gazing longingly out across the waters, wondering what was over the horizon. In his mind, he imagined a wonderfully exotic island, one where every day was a grand adventure, and where everyone understood him, his emotions, his idiosyncrasies, and yes, his need for passion. It was the one thing missing in his life, and although he kept telling himself that he could live without it, and that the security and comfort that his modest success in life had given him was enough, he was always vaguely aware of an uneasy feeling inside of him, a slight aching in his heart. He would tell himself that it was just heartburn, and laugh silently at the joke, but he just couldn't shake this.....this sadness that always dragged him down, this sense that there HAD to be more to life than just.....living.
That was when it happened, the day that he first remembered seeing her across the room. No, it wasn't that "her", it was the other her, the her that changed his life with one look, an instant where two total strangers stare deep into each other's souls, and both suddenly realize that the lives that they had been living up to that moment were total lies. It was a moment etched forever in a corner of his mind that he didn't even know existed until she invaded it. Although he had spent countless hours thinking about it, he still couldn't put it into words. This was what he did know: His saw his entire life pass before him in the space of a few seconds as he was staring at her, and the fact that she wasn't in it until now made it seem like a colossal waste of time. He was merely taking up space until that second, crawling around like a giant earthworm, eating for no reason except to eat again later, breathing just so he could live to experience another pointless day, talking about nothing in particular to people he cared nothing about, and who in return didn't give a damn about a word he ever said, and waiting, no, longing for the day that he would return to the earth as....as fertilizer. It was not a pretty picture.
They talked for awhile....that's all, talked, but as they talked, Russell felt emotions he had never even imagined, and his heart filled with....what was that feeling anyway? Passion? He wasn't even sure, it had been so long since he had experienced anything like it that he had forgotten what it even felt like. In fact, this feeling was so unique, so foreign, that he wasn't certain that he had EVER felt it before. She was his exotic island. There was one brief moment where he let himself believe that he could actually "jump ship and swim" (as she had once put it), that everything that he had only dared to dream could actually come true....it was an exhilarating thought, but he didn't, jump, that is, and neither did she. Instead, as I said, they "merely" talked for awhile, and then, reluctantly, they parted company, both returning to their separate lives, but both knowing that they would never be the same again.
After that, they saw each other a few times, and repeated the same scene each time - hearts leaping, a brief moment of exhileration, followed by a sad realization that it wasn't to be, and then, yet another reluctant farewell. And with every goodbye, he was overcome by an overwhelming sense of sadness, a feeling so strong as to be nearly unbearable. He often wondered if it was just the same feeling of sadness that he had always carried around inside of him, and if meeting her had just brought it to the surface and magnified it in his heart....
Russell was deep in thought, feeling sorry for himself (which, by the way, was his favorite pastime of late), when something startled him. He heard a voice. At first he thought that the voice was coming from inside his head, which didn't surprise him in the least, since his head was nothing more than a crowded room anyway. The saddest part was that no one in the room liked anyone else, so he was forced to live with a dozen or more arguing voices that spent the majority of their time ridiculing each other, and in turn, him, giving him precious little respite. As two or three of his "inner voices" were discussing this particular dilemma, he heard the strange voice again. This time he was acutely aware that it was coming from OUTSIDE of his head, which made him even more uncomfortable, since he was hundreds of miles from the nearest land, and therefore the nearest person as well.
But yet, there it was. "Russell". And then again, louder, as if it could get his attention by flaunting its authority. "RUSSELL!"
The voice was unmistakenly familiar, but Russell still couldn't place it for a moment. Then, like a revelation, it came to him.
"God?" Russell was stunned, and relieved at the same time. He had been alone for so long, or at least thought he was alone, carrying this unbearable burden, that he was more than glad to let it go, to give it to.....Him. He thought back to the last time they had talked. Well, to be more precise, God had talked, and Russell had mostly listened. Sometimes he argued, but he always lost. God is, after all, God. And being God, He is self-righteously opinionated, but, because he is God, His opinion is automatically fact. Pretty sweet, huh? Even when He's wrong, He's right, therefore, He's never wrong....
"So, Russell, we meet again." God interrupted Russell's thought, it annoyed Him when Russell questioned His authority, even in his own mind. How dare he....no wait, HOW DARE HE! There, that was better. Nothing like a little fire and brimstone to subdue the masses.
Russell looked up, and for the first time in months, he saw God. He felt humbled and helpless, but mainly because he knew that God had authority over the seas, and he was miles from shore. It was a long swim home. Best not to rock the boat, so to speak. Besides, Russell had a lot on his mind, and who the hell else was he going to talk to out here in the middle of nowhere?
He began to speak. "God, I....I'm afraid. My world is changing."
"Everyone's world is changing, Russell. The world itself is everchanging." God had an amazing grasp of the obvious.
Russell sighed. "For the better?" he asked.
"That's a matter of opinion. What's better for one person isn't necessarily better for another. That's what makes change so difficult. You make a decision that you believe will make you happier, and someone else pays the price for your happiness, which in turn makes you unhappy. Happiness is a selfish choice by nature, but the paradox is, if you're not happy, how can you make those around you happy? Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, and pray that the temporary uncertainty that accompanies change will ultimately make everyone happier in the long run. In the end, you have to balance your right to live a fulfilled, happy life with the needs of those you love. It's not always an easy choice." God smiled that smug little smile of satisfaction that always annoyed Russell. He knew when He was right, and He never failed to rub it in.
"What if I make the wrong decision? I don't want to screw up everything. I don't want to hurt the ones I love."
"Unfortunately, that's how life is. No matter which path you choose, someone is going to lose, someone will be hurt. I will say this, though - things have a way of working themselves out in the long run. And if you can't make that choice right now, then maybe that IS your choice. Maybe it's not a matter of whether or not you're ready to take that leap of faith, maybe it just means you're not ready to take that leap today. You don't have to decide this very moment whether that life-altering decision is right or wrong, you just have to decide if it's right or wrong at this very moment. Sometimes deciding not to decide is the best decision of all." God smiled again, it felt good to be Him.
Russell sighed again. "God, I can't believe I'm saying this, but that actually makes sense."
"Of course it does, I'm God, I always make sense. Remember? Even when I'm wrong, I'm right."
Russell shifted nervously. "Oh that. Sorry about that, I was just wondering aloud. No offense intended."
"None taken." God looked a bit impatient. "You know, Russell, I seem to spend a quite a bit of time personally counseling you. Most people, the vast majority of whom are much better Christians than you are, don't even see me once in their entire lives. Believe it or not, they just have faith that I exist."
"Well, nobody's perfect, God....present company excluded, of course."
"So, we're good here? I do have this thing called world hunger that I should do something about, and there's a little matter of an unscheduled war that I have to attend to as well. Some of you people never learn."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. Makes my petty little problems seem pretty insignificant in comparison, huh? One more thing - God, remember when you told me that my life would change forever? You were right."
"Oh, yes, that.... 'life-altering', of course I was right....I'm God, remember? So, did it change for the better?"
"I'm still not sure. In some ways, I've experienced more happiness and passion than I ever imagined I could in a lifetime, but at the same time, I've lost sight of so many other things. Life was simple before, now it's complicated, complicated and confusing."
"Happiness always comes with a price tag. You just have to decide if it's worth the cost. And remember, whether you decide to traverse uncharted waters today, or just stand a little longer on the shore and look over the horizon, the ocean is always there."
And with those words, God was gone, just as quickly as He had arrived.
With God's words still ringing in his ears, Russell looked back towards the shore from where he had launched his vessel, and then peered longingly out towards the islands that he knew glistened in the distance. His decision was finally made, at least for the present. He set a course for his destination.
Of course, there was always tomorrow. Tomorrow, would he regret the choice that he was making today? And what about the questions that he would have to face in the future, the decisions that still lay before him? Tomorrow....tomorrow would have to wait. For the first time in weeks, Russell allowed just a hint of a smile to cross his face. He closed his eyes, let his mind drift away, and sailed into the distance.
I've had a lack of information.
I've had a loss of perspective.
I've had a little bit to drink...
And it's making me think
That I can jump ship and swim
That the ocean will hold me
That there's got to be more
Than this boat I'm in.
I don't care if they eat me alive.
I've got better things to do than survive.
I've got the memory of your warm skin in my hands.
I've got a vision of blue sky and dry land.
(Another Editor's note: This story is written as told to me by Russell Tharp. Did any of it actually happen, or is it merely the incoherent musings of a madman? Honestly, I've never been able to discern the difference between reality and fantasy when it comes to Russell. Instead, I'll just repeat his favorite quote: "Every word of it is true, except for the parts I made up."
A special thank you to Lily, who, in one of her many exchanges with Russell, sent the Ani DiFranco lyrics printed above. As always, she finds the words that say it more succinctly and eloquently than Russell ever could.)
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