Okay, listen up....
"How I Spent My Christmas"
By Mark Faulk
This might give everyone a little insight into why I'm the way I am.....as it turns out, I'm the normal one in my family....who would have guessed?
So...we opened presents, and then we opened more presents, and more, and even more, to the point of guilty excess, then....we went over to my Mother's house and spent most of the day trying to outdo each other by telling the worst possible jokes ever conceived, and by worst, I mean in such poor taste that at least once or twice, I found myself glancing nervously at the solitary cloud overhead, wondering what the odds were of a lightening bolt striking the very couch I was sitting on that that moment. As it turns out, I'm still here, so the odds are apparently slim to none....thank God (get it? "thank God")
uh, yeah....back to story: My appointed role was to adlib one-liners before, during, and after said jokes, and in this case, commit them to memory as much as possible so I could subject all of you to the same soul-damning display of sacrilege that I endured.
Most of these are courtesy of my brother/attorney Paul, who apparently lacks that little voice of ettiquete in his head that most people possess that says "dude, don't even go there." I'll start with a couple of more-or-less innocent ones from my niece Bailey, and that way you can decide what your mindinthegutter tolerance level is, and quit reading just before you're completely corrupted, stigmatized, or emotionally scarred for life. Mighty white of me, huh?
k...strap in, here we go:
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch!"
A couple of rare non-sick ones from Paul:
Did I tell you I got a job in an orange juice factory? I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
A snail goes into a bar and says "bartender, pour me a drink."
The bartender says "We don't serve snails."
The snail won't give up..."What? Why not? I said pour me a drink."
The bartender says, "I told you we don't serve snails here."
The snail replies, "What the hell? Just pour me a damn drink."
The bartender gets pissed off and picks up the snail and throws him as far as he can out the front door of the bar.
Three months later, the snail comes back into the bar and says...."Why'd you do that?"
Now a Christmas joke from my younger bro Todd:
What is this? "A-ho...A-ho...A-ho..."
A pimp counting his bitches.
Okay...time to go downhill, I'm only going to tell a couple of these, and maybe even tone them down a bit...hang on tight..these are all Paul (I'm innocent, I tell ya):
A child molester kidnaps a kid, and takes him into the woods. As they're walking, it's beginning to get dark. The kid says, "I'm scared." They walk a little bit further, and it's getting even darker, and the kid says again, "Mister, I'm really scared." This happens a couple of more times, and finally....the man turns to the kid and says....
"How do you think I feel? I have to walk back by myself."
Offended yet?....No?....Okay, now we're going to the x-rated portion of our show. I'll have to see some IDs before I let you in for the next joke....enter at your own risk, and bear in mind, we're sitting in my Mom's living room on Christmas day....good times.
(Editor's note: This joke was in such poor taste that I censored it.....if you want to be totally offended, this blog entry is available in all its glory on our new MySpace site at: http://www.myspace.com/faulkingtruth )
Told you so....there are more, but I don't want anyone to bring the MySpace Police down on my ass just yet. Maybe later.
I swear this is true:
I'll end with this sadly true story that Paul told about a case a friend of his tried recently. The defendant wanted to represent himself in an armed robbery case, so the judge appointed this attorney to sit in and observe, and make sure the defendant didn't screw up too badly.
So the defendant is cross-examining the eyewitness to the robbery, and he says, "you really couldn't see me that clearly, could you?"
The woman replies, "No, I could see perfectly well. I'm certain it was you."
The defendant continues cross-examining her, "Yeah, but it could have been someone else, right? I mean, you're not completely certain."
"Oh no.....I'm sure it was you."
Then, the defendant blurts out:
"I should have killed you when I had the chance.....(short pause)....."IF I was there."
Truth is truly stranger than fiction....Happy Aftermath, everyone!
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Blogfest 2005 Archives:
Keep on Blogging in The Free World (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
"It's the Issues, Stupid" (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
The Trust Factor......mmmmmm, donuts (Mark Faulk, Sep 30, 2004)
The Vice-Presidential Debate Primer (Mark Faulk, Oct 5, 2004)
Is Bush a girly-man? (Mark Faulk, Oct 7, 2004)
Kids! Time to come in and get dressed for war (Mark Faulk, Nov 1, 2004)
"I Think We're all Bozos on this Bus" and "Dude, Where's My Bong?" (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2004)
"We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and "The Ministry of Truth Strikes Again" (Mark Faulk, Nov 9, 2004)
Vacation....Had to get away (Mark Faulk, Nov 11, 2004)
A 'Tribute' to Steve Martin (Mark Faulk, Nov 14, 2004)
How Long Can You Tread Water? (Mark Faulk, Nov 17, 2004)
"Give the People What They Want" (Mark Faulk, Nov 22, 2004)
Home on the Range..... (Mark Faulk, Nov 27, 2004)
Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election (Mark Faulk, Dec 7, 2004)
Peace Kills (Mark Faulk, Dec 21, 2004)
A Tale of Two Psychos (Mark Faulk, Dec 27, 2004)
Hurtling Headlong Through the Blogosphere (Mark Faulk, Jan 4, 2005)
The Faulking Truth Gone Wild (Mark Faulk, Jan 6, 2005)
Palestinians Elect Abba by Wide Margin (Mark Faulk, Jan 9, 2005)
"Look everybody, we've found WMDRPAs!" and "Supporting the Inauguration Day Boycott.....Sort of" (Mark Faulk, Jan 12, 2005)
Confessions of.....a Christian (Mark Faulk, Jan 18, 2005)
Seven Degrees of George W. Bush (Mark Faulk, Jan 20, 2005)
Dear IRS...... (Mark Faulk, Jan 25, 2005)
What Democracy Means to Me (Johnny Carson, Feb 5, 2005)
"I love you...no, really, I do...." and "Have a Crappy... I Mean... Happy Valentine's Day" (Mark Faulk and Kelsey Renee Faulk, Feb 14, 2005)
"THE END OF BLOCKBUSTER!" (Mark Faulk, Feb 19, 2005)
The Poor get Poorer..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 8, 2005)
Refinancing your home the 'hard' way..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 19, 2005)
A Fall From Grace - How Bush is Alienating Mainstream America (Mark Faulk, Mar 26, 2005)
I'm not schizophrenic....and neither am I (Mark Faulk, Mar 31, 2005)
Pope Dies of old Age (Mark Faulk, Apr 4, 2005)
America to Dateline: Tell the Truth Now! (Mark Faulk, Apr 7, 2005)
How I Spent my Weekend (Russell Tharp, Apr 18, 2005)
How Many Lesbians Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb? (Mark Faulk, Apr 27, 2005)
Four Dead in Ohio (Mark Faulk, May 4, 2005)
Some Mother's Son (Mark Faulk, May 8, 2005)
"lalalalalalalala.....I can't hear you!" (Mark Faulk, May 22, 2005)
The Man on the Crane (Mark Faulk, May 28, 2005)
NOW Do You Feel Secure on the Internet? (Mark Faulk, Jun 1, 2005)
Taking the Faulking Truth to the Airwaves (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2005)
Wall Street: Destroying the Evidence (Mark Faulk, Jun 21, 2005)
And now....Page two (Mark Faulk, Jul 1, 2005)
Help Wanted- President Seeks New Brain (Mark Faulk, Jul 11, 2005)
Bush Picks "French Fry Judge" for Supreme Court (Mark Faulk, Jul 19, 2005)
Praying for a Miracle (Mark Faulk, Jul 23, 2005)
Send in the Clowns (Mark Faulk, Jul 28, 2005)
"What's Wrong With This Picture?" or "Gas Prices Set Record High.....Win A Free Hummer!" (Mark Faulk, Aug 15, 2005)
Pat Robertson's Case for the Assassination of President Bush.....I mean, Hugo Chavez (Mark Faulk, Aug 23, 2005)
The Faulking Truth...in (Black) and (White) (Mark Faulk, Aug 25, 2005)
They're Trying to Wash Us Away.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 31, 2005)
"Not Acceptable" (Mark Faulk, Sep 2, 2005)
And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch (Laughter.) (Mark Faulk, Sep 6, 2005)
Who Says FEMA Can't Relate to Blacks, Yo? (Mark Faulk, Sep 15, 2005)
Faulking Truth to Senator Shelby: PUT THE DAMN FIRE OUT! (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2005)
George Talks to God..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2005)
For the Greater Good..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 27, 2005)
Coalition....What Coalition? (Mark Faulk, Nov 21, 2005)
Confessions of a White Gentile (Mark Faulk, Dec 4, 2005)
The World Just Got A Little Less Funny (Mark Faulk, Dec 10, 2005)
MySpace is the Devil (Mark Faulk, Dec 18, 2005)
Desecrating Christmas (Mark Faulk, Dec 29, 2005)
Srecna Nova Godina....od tim Faulking Truth (Mark Faulk, Jan 1, 2006)
On Kurt Vonnegut..... (Mark Faulk, Jan 8, 2006)
Taking it to the Streets (Mark Faulk, Jan 14, 2006)
Desecrating History (Mike Bohling, Feb 4, 2006)
Congress Uses "C Word" (Mark Faulk, Mar 13, 2006)
Conspiracy....or Conspiracy Nuts? (Mark Faulk, Mar 18, 2006)
Roddy Boyd: Choosing up Sides (Mark Faulk, Mar 28, 2006)
Emotional Casualties of War (Mark Faulk, Apr 28, 2006)
It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead. (Mark Faulk, May 10, 2006)
MySpace is the Devil (Redux) (Mark Faulk, May 23, 2006)
Confessions of Part Time Hit Man (Mark Faulk, Jun 5, 2006)
“The Anatomy of a Rumor” or “I’ll Take the Kool-aid” (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2006)
"ALL INVESTORS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS" – SEC eliminates integrity in the stock market (Mark Faulk, Jul 6, 2006)
Everybody's a dreamer and everybody's a star (Mark Faulk, Jul 24, 2006)
It Wasn't the Planes that Killed King Kong.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 4, 2006)
Forget the Mideast, it’s the Midwest uprising Bush should worry about (Mark Faulk, Aug 28, 2006)
Blame it on the Full Moon (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2006)
How Low Can They Go? (Mark Faulk, Nov 2, 2006)
Truth in the Booth...Live on CFRN on Nov. 17th (Mark Faulk, Nov 16, 2006)
Life WIth Father (Mark Faulk, Dec 15, 2006)
Thinking Voyager 2 Type Things (Mark Faulk, Jan 16, 2007)
so simple in the moonlight.... (Mark Faulk, Feb 20, 2007)
Promises, Promises….Take a Letter!!! (Mark Faulk, March Mar 19, 2007)
CMKX The Train of Truth (Mark Faulk, April 10, 2007 )
Gonzo Radio....or.....when all else fails, blog it!!!! (Mark Faulk, June 16, 2007)
Observations on the Way Home (Mark Faulk, August 5, 2007)
The Idiot’s Guide to the Electoral Process (Mark Faulk, Feb 8, 2008)
MAPS for Millionaires or “Daddy, buy me an arena” (Mark Faulk, Feb 29, 2008)
Dear Hillary: When the race is over, it's over.... (Mark Faulk, Mar 10, 2008)
“We come for your children” – The Truth About the Gay Agenda (Mark Faulk, May 2, 2008)
Savior Hillary (Mark Faulk, May 20, 2008)
This is me in fragments...enter at your own risk (Mark Faulk, Jun 30, 2008)
Silver State Bank: What’s Deposited in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas (Mark Faulk, Jul 30, 2008)
John McSame’s Campaign to Nowhere (Mark Faulk, Sep 12, 2008)
Change has come to America (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2008)
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