- BLOGFEST 2005!
  Because sometimes we're just
too lazy to write a real article...
  by Ken Shade

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  Blogfest 2005  -  Apr 27, 2005  -  Printable Version
- How Many Lesbians Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?
   by Mark Faulk

    A few days ago, Faulking Truth writer Ken Shade posted this quote in his "Quote of the Day" column:

    "We are well aware of the male homosexual problem in this country, which is of course minor, but to our certain knowledge there is not one lesbian in England."
Lord Chamberlain, to Lillian Hellman, during a discussion of "The Children's Hour."

    Then, a couple of days ago, Michael Savage, an obnoxious asshole of a radio talk show host who does a gay bashing, hate mongering show called "The Savage Nation", spent an entire hour talking about how all of Europe is dying out because the girls there don't want to have kids. Why? According to Savage, it's because THEY'RE ALL LESBIANS! (The caps are to mimic Savage's habit of yelling really loudly whenever he has an important point to make, as if somehow volume = credibility. Note to Michael: IT DOESN'T!) That's right, it's because in England, GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!

    Now, here's the good part: Savage says that the reason that girls in Europe are lesbians is because they are afraid of something he calls the "Gay Mafia"..... whoops, sorry, the "GAY MAFIA!" You see, they really want to be straight, have lots of kids, and clean up after some slob of a husband, but apparently they're terrified of this mythical Homosexual Crime Syndicate.    

    And now it's time for our "Politically Incorrect Stereotype of the Week":

    "Ethcuse me, shweetie, do you really want to wake up tomorrow with a horsey head in bed with you? I didn't think so. So if I were you, I'd just sashay my baggy jeans and denim workshirt ass over to the bathouse and see if you can find a girl who likes the construction worker look. And a little eyeliner wouldn't kill you, either, M'kay?"

    So, who do you believe? An old guy who goes by the pretentious anal retentive title of "Lord" (who is probably just making excuses for not getting laid since the last millineum), or a guy who thinks that Europe is being run by a "Gay Mafia"? By the way, I knew a guy who went by the name of "Savage" once, and he was as gay as they cum, right down to his Village People biker outfit. Whips and chains, anyone? YMCA! Plus, Michael Savage's real last name is "Weiner". Enough said.

    I do have a second source to quote, the seventy-one year old English father-in-law of one of our writers, who just posted in the Faulking Truth Guestbook that “Rejecting 99% of the blokes, there are no bloody vagitarians in England".

    So there you have it, not one lesbian in all of England, yet right here in Oklahoma, you can't even throw a rock without hitting one. (Editor's note: The Faulking Truth does not in any way advocate throwing rocks at lesbians, or any other humans, or even any animals, for that matter. Now, if you happen to see Michael Savage sashaying down the street in his biker outfit.....um, never mind.) It's true, though, I once read an article in Rolling Stone Magazine (years ago, before it became "Teen Beat") that listed the cities that had "thriving lesbian communities", and there we were.....San Francisco, Chicago, New York City, Oklahoma City.....WHAT THE HELL? How did WE make that list? That explains all those girls who turned me down in the mid-seventies. I KNEW there had to be a rational explanation for that.

    Since this blog entry has no real point anyway, here's another question for you: How can there be NO lesbians in England whatsoever, but yet I once dated a girl who turned lesbian after we broke up? I mean, what are the odds? My theory is that after me, no other man measured up. (Hey, it makes me feel better, and the alternative that I drove her to lesbianism is just too painful for my fragile male ego to take.)

    Let's see, made fun of right wing talk show host (check), did really bad imitation of Gay Mafia guy (check), insulted English royalty (check), dissed old girlfriend (check), called lesbians "vagitarians" (check), dogged Rolling Stone Magazine (check), and made fun of my own masculinity (check, check, and check). Oh wait, I almost forgot the punchline.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.

    Don't blame that one on me, I found it at http://lesbianlife.about.com/ , where you can also learn the difference between a Diesal Dyke and a Bull Dyke, and get how-to tips on your first lesbian sexual experience. (Here's an interesting one: "Smell under her arms.")


(Editor's note: This is an entry from The Faulking Truth blog, ingeniously entitled "Blogfest 2005". If you'd like to waste more of your valuable time blogging, go to www.faulkingtruth.com/blog/ )

   Voice your opinion on our message board (you don't have to sign up to post).

Blogfest 2005 Archives:
       Keep on Blogging in The Free World  (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
       "It's the Issues, Stupid"  (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
       The Trust Factor......mmmmmm, donuts  (Mark Faulk, Sep 30, 2004)
       The Vice-Presidential Debate Primer   (Mark Faulk, Oct 5, 2004)
       Is Bush a girly-man?  (Mark Faulk, Oct 7, 2004)
       Kids! Time to come in and get dressed for war  (Mark Faulk, Nov 1, 2004)
       "I Think We're all Bozos on this Bus" and "Dude, Where's My Bong?"  (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2004)
       "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and "The Ministry of Truth Strikes Again"  (Mark Faulk, Nov 9, 2004)
       Vacation....Had to get away  (Mark Faulk, Nov 11, 2004)
       A 'Tribute' to Steve Martin  (Mark Faulk, Nov 14, 2004)
       How Long Can You Tread Water?  (Mark Faulk, Nov 17, 2004)
       "Give the People What They Want"  (Mark Faulk, Nov 22, 2004)
       Home on the Range.....  (Mark Faulk, Nov 27, 2004)
       Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election  (Mark Faulk, Dec 7, 2004)
       Peace Kills  (Mark Faulk, Dec 21, 2004)
       A Tale of Two Psychos  (Mark Faulk, Dec 27, 2004)
       Hurtling Headlong Through the Blogosphere  (Mark Faulk, Jan 4, 2005)
       The Faulking Truth Gone Wild  (Mark Faulk, Jan 6, 2005)
       Palestinians Elect Abba by Wide Margin  (Mark Faulk, Jan 9, 2005)
       "Look everybody, we've found WMDRPAs!" and "Supporting the Inauguration Day Boycott.....Sort of"  (Mark Faulk, Jan 12, 2005)
       Confessions of.....a Christian  (Mark Faulk, Jan 18, 2005)
       Seven Degrees of George W. Bush  (Mark Faulk, Jan 20, 2005)
       Dear IRS......  (Mark Faulk, Jan 25, 2005)
       What Democracy Means to Me  (Johnny Carson, Feb 5, 2005)
       "I love you...no, really, I do...." and "Have a Crappy... I Mean... Happy Valentine's Day"  (Mark Faulk and Kelsey Renee Faulk, Feb 14, 2005)
       "THE END OF BLOCKBUSTER!"  (Mark Faulk, Feb 19, 2005)
       The Poor get Poorer.....  (Mark Faulk, Mar 8, 2005)
       Refinancing your home the 'hard' way.....  (Mark Faulk, Mar 19, 2005)
       A Fall From Grace - How Bush is Alienating Mainstream America  (Mark Faulk, Mar 26, 2005)
       I'm not schizophrenic....and neither am I  (Mark Faulk, Mar 31, 2005)
       Pope Dies of old Age  (Mark Faulk, Apr 4, 2005)
       America to Dateline: Tell the Truth Now!  (Mark Faulk, Apr 7, 2005)
       How I Spent my Weekend  (Russell Tharp, Apr 18, 2005)
       How Many Lesbians Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?  (Mark Faulk, Apr 27, 2005)
       Four Dead in Ohio  (Mark Faulk, May 4, 2005)
       Some Mother's Son  (Mark Faulk, May 8, 2005)
       "lalalalalalalala.....I can't hear you!"  (Mark Faulk, May 22, 2005)
       The Man on the Crane  (Mark Faulk, May 28, 2005)
       NOW Do You Feel Secure on the Internet?  (Mark Faulk, Jun 1, 2005)
       Taking the Faulking Truth to the Airwaves  (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2005)
       Wall Street: Destroying the Evidence  (Mark Faulk, Jun 21, 2005)
       And now....Page two  (Mark Faulk, Jul 1, 2005)
       Help Wanted- President Seeks New Brain  (Mark Faulk, Jul 11, 2005)
       Bush Picks "French Fry Judge" for Supreme Court  (Mark Faulk, Jul 19, 2005)
       Praying for a Miracle  (Mark Faulk, Jul 23, 2005)
       Send in the Clowns  (Mark Faulk, Jul 28, 2005)
       "What's Wrong With This Picture?" or "Gas Prices Set Record High.....Win A Free Hummer!"  (Mark Faulk, Aug 15, 2005)
       Pat Robertson's Case for the Assassination of President Bush.....I mean, Hugo Chavez  (Mark Faulk, Aug 23, 2005)
       The Faulking Truth...in (Black) and (White)  (Mark Faulk, Aug 25, 2005)
       They're Trying to Wash Us Away....  (Mark Faulk, Aug 31, 2005)
       "Not Acceptable"  (Mark Faulk, Sep 2, 2005)
       And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch (Laughter.)  (Mark Faulk, Sep 6, 2005)
       Who Says FEMA Can't Relate to Blacks, Yo?  (Mark Faulk, Sep 15, 2005)
       Faulking Truth to Senator Shelby: PUT THE DAMN FIRE OUT!  (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2005)
       George Talks to God.....  (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2005)
       For the Greater Good.....  (Mark Faulk, Oct 27, 2005)
       Coalition....What Coalition?  (Mark Faulk, Nov 21, 2005)
       Confessions of a White Gentile  (Mark Faulk, Dec 4, 2005)
       The World Just Got A Little Less Funny  (Mark Faulk, Dec 10, 2005)
       MySpace is the Devil  (Mark Faulk, Dec 18, 2005)
       Desecrating Christmas  (Mark Faulk, Dec 29, 2005)
       Srecna Nova Godina....od tim Faulking Truth  (Mark Faulk, Jan 1, 2006)
       On Kurt Vonnegut.....   (Mark Faulk, Jan 8, 2006)
       Taking it to the Streets  (Mark Faulk, Jan 14, 2006)
       Desecrating History  (Mike Bohling, Feb 4, 2006)
       Congress Uses "C Word"  (Mark Faulk, Mar 13, 2006)
       Conspiracy....or Conspiracy Nuts?  (Mark Faulk, Mar 18, 2006)
       Roddy Boyd: Choosing up Sides  (Mark Faulk, Mar 28, 2006)
       Emotional Casualties of War  (Mark Faulk, Apr 28, 2006)
       It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead.  (Mark Faulk, May 10, 2006)
       MySpace is the Devil (Redux)  (Mark Faulk, May 23, 2006)
       Confessions of Part Time Hit Man  (Mark Faulk, Jun 5, 2006)
       “The Anatomy of a Rumor” or “I’ll Take the Kool-aid”  (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2006)
       "ALL INVESTORS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS" – SEC eliminates integrity in the stock market  (Mark Faulk, Jul 6, 2006)
       Everybody's a dreamer and everybody's a star  (Mark Faulk, Jul 24, 2006)
       It Wasn't the Planes that Killed King Kong....  (Mark Faulk, Aug 4, 2006)
       Forget the Mideast, it’s the Midwest uprising Bush should worry about  (Mark Faulk, Aug 28, 2006)
       Blame it on the Full Moon  (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2006)
       How Low Can They Go?  (Mark Faulk, Nov 2, 2006)
       Truth in the Booth...Live on CFRN on Nov. 17th  (Mark Faulk, Nov 16, 2006)
       Life WIth Father  (Mark Faulk, Dec 15, 2006)
       Thinking Voyager 2 Type Things  (Mark Faulk, Jan 16, 2007)
       so simple in the moonlight....  (Mark Faulk, Feb 20, 2007)
       Promises, Promises….Take a Letter!!!  (Mark Faulk, March Mar 19, 2007)
       CMKX The Train of Truth  (Mark Faulk, April 10, 2007 )
       Gonzo Radio....or.....when all else fails, blog it!!!!  (Mark Faulk, June 16, 2007)
       Observations on the Way Home  (Mark Faulk, August 5, 2007)
       The Idiot’s Guide to the Electoral Process  (Mark Faulk, Feb 8, 2008)
       MAPS for Millionaires or “Daddy, buy me an arena”  (Mark Faulk, Feb 29, 2008)
       Dear Hillary: When the race is over, it's over....  (Mark Faulk, Mar 10, 2008)
       “We come for your children” – The Truth About the Gay Agenda  (Mark Faulk, May 2, 2008)
       Savior Hillary  (Mark Faulk, May 20, 2008)
       This is me in fragments...enter at your own risk   (Mark Faulk, Jun 30, 2008)
       Silver State Bank: What’s Deposited in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas  (Mark Faulk, Jul 30, 2008)
       John McSame’s Campaign to Nowhere  (Mark Faulk, Sep 12, 2008)
       Change has come to America  (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2008)
       Hemp, a Self Sustaining Answer to a Troubled Nation  (Kevin M. West, Mar 19, 2009)
       The Other Casualties of War  (Mark Faulk, May 25, 2009)
       Michael Vick Returns to Dogfighting  (Katie Lauren, Aug 20, 2009)
       I'm on a Plane  (Mark Faulk, Sept. 30, 2009)
       And so this is Christmas....  (Mark Faulk, Dec 15, 2009)
       Whan Picasso Painted the Sixteenth Chapel  (Mark Faulk, May 29, 2010)
       The Devolution of Man  (Robin Buckallew, Jul 31, 2010)
       Don't Blame Darwin  (Robin Buckallew, Oct 19, 2010)
       Tea with Mussolini  ( I. K. N’Klast, Nov 3, 2010)
       So Throw Money at it Anyway**  (I. K. N’Klast, Nov 23, 2010)
       America in the Crosshairs - Rep. Gabrielle Giffords Shot, Six others killed  (Mark Faulk, Jan 8, 2011)
       Leanin' on my Shovel  (Robin Buckallew, May 1, 2011)
       How to Save Our Schools  (Dorritt, May 28, 2011)
       Not For Sale  (Dorrit, Jul 30, 2011)
       Morning in America (A short story)  (Robin Buckallew, Aug 13, 2011)
       Carrot or Stick?  (Dorrit, Feb 13, 2012)

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