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Blogfest 2005 - Feb 14, 2005 - Printable Version
- "I love you...no, really, I do...." and "Have a Crappy... I Mean... Happy Valentine's Day"
by Mark Faulk and Kelsey Renee Faulk
By Mark Faulk
It's Valentine's Day, the day when all our thoughts turn to anxiety and stress. What started out as a simple day to exchange our true feelings for each other (and maybe throw in a few flowers and a cheap box of candy) has turned into a day of reckoning for every man in America. Buy the right crap and say the right things, and you're golden. Fail in your mission, and you won't get laid for a month.
"What? You just bought me flowers and candy? Buffy got a marquis diamond ring from Antonio, and Russell took Lily to Cancun for the weekend. You are the worst boyfriend ever!"
The stress is so bad, I once had a friend who would break up with his girlfriend just before Valentine's Day, and then make up with her the week after, just so he wouldn't have to live up to an impossible standard. Hmmmm.....interesting concept. Honey, I really think we should have a "trial separation", maybe starting now, and then in a week or so, we'll see about getting back together.
What the hell, I'll take my chances with "the usual" and maybe write some romantic drivel to make me look better than I really am. Darling, my feelings can best be expressed in a monologue from the poignant yet funny Steve Martin movie "The Jerk":
"I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."
I'll close with a few quotes from the experts on love, just so I won't look like a total jerk (Get it? A total "Jerk", because I just posted some lines from...oh, never mind)....by the way, to qualify as an expert on love, one only has to personally experience it:
The things we truly love stay with us always, locked in our hearts as long as life remains.
- Josephine Baker
Who so loves believes the impossible.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Reason and love are sworn enemies.
- Pierre Corneille
Love is friendship set on fire.
- Jeremy Taylor
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return." * Nature Boy (1948)
- eden ahbez
Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever.
- June Masters Bacher
Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.
- Zora Neale Hurston
I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.
- Alice Walker
We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.
- Germaine de Staël
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
- George Sand
Love doesn't need a reason, love just is.
-Me
By Kelsey Renee Faulk
So here I am, sitting at the computer doing chapter summaries of Great Expectations By Charles Dickens and eating miniature marshmallows. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day- the day of torture. The day set just to remind us single folk that we are.... well single. And pathetic. And probably sitting at our computer eating miniature marshmallows and indulging ourselves in work. Whoopee. A dozen red roses for you, dear sweet Biddy? I think not.
Nope. Not for good old, kind-hearted, hard working, average looking, but beautiful, Biddy. Nope. Nadda. Never. You know what she gets? Zip. Zilch. Zero. Whatever. And those roses go to... (Drum roll please...)... the rich and beautiful, but deadly, Estella, as always.
So instead of smelling roses and eating chocolates, we watch TV. And on the TV, we watch people smelling roses and eating chocolates. And for the supernatural shows, it’s the other way around: they eat their roses and smell their chocolates. Or is that just me? Oh, wait! How would I know? I never get any roses or chocolates. I'm the one watching and eating bonbons... or was it miniature marshmallows? Oh well. It's just not worth it, anyway
.
So I can tell that you already know that this isn't really going to be an article. Let alone a story or poem or anything that entertaining, at that. This is just a teenage girl complaining about being single on yet another of the worst holiday's ever invented: Valentine's Day. This isn't an article. Nope. No sir-ee. And if you'd like to call it one, call it the world's worst article ever written. This is simply a reminder to all those people who spend Valentine's Day watching Titanic and eating ice cream out of the carton that they are not alone. I repeat. You are not alone.
Now of course, everyone knows that there are those people who say that they hate Valentine's Day, and then you see them walk out of work or school with a beautiful guy in one hand and a giant teddy bear and a dozen roses in the other. I mean, take me for instance. I've got one of the world's most perfect boyfriends, and here I am freaking out because I might actually have a good Valentine's Day for the first time in my life. But who am I to complain? This year, I'm not complaining for me, I'm complaining for the ones who truly think that Valentine's Day.... well.... sucks. But, in order to get the right to complain, you need to have at least 1 of the following qualities this Valentine's Day:
1. You received a lump of coal in your stocking this.... wait wrong holiday.
Okay, here we go again....
1. If you have been broken up with on Valentine's Day.
2. If you received a candy gram that was sent to the wrong person on Valentine's Day... that wrong person being you.
3. If you received a chocolate rose from the smelly guy that follows you around everywhere... AKA: your stalker.
4. If there was poison ivy in the flower bouquet that was from your secret admirer.
5. If the only candy you receive on Valentine's Day is from your mom and your math teacher.
6. If you've ever sent yourself a gift on Valentine's Day just to look important in front of everyone else.
And last, but not least...
7. If your boyfriend ever offered to take you out for a romantic dinner on Valentine's Day, and went to all the trouble to blindfold you and everything... and then the blindfold was taken off, and you see two glowing and pretty golden arches....
Right now I'm too busy eating marshmallows to finish this list. It could go on forever, you know. But since a lot of you reading this won't have anything to do this February 14th, you can take that time to finish this list yourself.
Have a crappy.... I mean.... Happy Valentine's Day!
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(Editor's note: This is an entry from The Faulking Truth blog, ingeniously entitled "Blogfest 2005". If you'd like to spend more of your valuable time blogging, go to www.faulkingtruth.com/blog/ )
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